Just for fun, bits and bobs.
Another weekend over.
There was soap in the train toilets, but no water, so its hands were covered in soap. Soap suds were forming where it was fiddling with its headphones.
Out the train window, speed turns rough sand to smooth butter, and the water glittered wildly, like an ape in a sequin dress.
A cart of light refreshments crashed and thudded past, egg baguettes and snickers bars co-mingling in the stainless-steel feeding bucket.
The small towns of Devon appeared and disappeared, cemented together by red clay and wet grass. Salt and soil. It exercised it's facial muscles, breaking free from commuter-eyebrow and civilized-jaw temporarily.
Stepping off the train felt like taking a spacewalk. Penzance had finally run out of gravity.
It held onto the railings and made its way to Gregg’s.

Subject: Nigerian Astronaut Wants To Come Home
Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager
National Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA)
Plot 555
Misau Street
PMB 437
Garki, Abuja, FCT NIGERIA

Dear Mr. Sir,

I am Dr. Bakare Tunde, the cousin of Nigerian Astronaut, Air Force Major Abacha Tunde. He was the first African in space when he made a secret flight to the Salyut 6 space station in 1979. He was on a later Soviet spaceflight, Soyuz T-16Z to the secret Soviet military space station Salyut 8T in 1989. He was stranded there in 1990 when the Soviet Union was dissolved. His other Soviet crew members returned to earth on the Soyuz T-16Z, but his place was taken up by return cargo. There have been occasional Progrez supply flights to keep him going since that time. He is in good humor, but wants to come home.

In the 14-years since he has been on the station, he has accumulated flight pay and interest amounting to almost $ 15,000,000 American Dollars. This is held in a trust at the Lagos National Savings and Trust Association. If we can obtain access to this money, we can place a down payment with the Russian Space Authorities for a Soyuz return flight to bring him back to Earth. I am told this will cost $ 3,000,000 American Dollars. In order to access the his trust fund we need your assistance.

Consequently, my colleagues and I are willing to transfer the total amount to your account or subsequent disbursement, since we as civil servants are prohibited by the Code of Conduct Bureau (Civil Service Laws) from opening and/ or operating foreign accounts in our names.

Needless to say, the trust reposed on you at this juncture is enormous. In return, we have agreed to offer you 20 percent of the transferred sum, while 10 percent shall be set aside for incidental expenses (internal and external) between the parties in the course of the transaction. You will be mandated to remit the balance 70 percent to other accounts in due course.

Kindly expedite action as we are behind schedule to enable us include downpayment in this financial quarter.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message via my direct number 234 (0) 9-234-2220 only.

Yours Sincerely, Dr. Bakare Tunde
Astronautics Project Manager


The sun glows low, sinking clouds.

AD BREAK 1; ’Elon musk invented a new, more efficient way of walking which involves the elbows and knees a whole lot more. Try it today.’

Far, far away, someone is playing the drums with their arse. Can you hear it?

AD BREAK 2; ‘I hired a dolphin costume, went to a party, overdid it a bit - shat and pissed myself, but U-HIRE do a great returns policy. That's why I always go back to U-HIRE. U-HIRE puts its customers first.’

Walk with me,

AD BREAK 3; ‘FACE2FACE -A double-ended urinal designed to bring people together and save space.’

The autumn leaves crunch underfoot,

AD BREAK 4; ‘Like crabs? You’ll hate crab hell. Hate crabs? You’ll really hate crab hell. Unsure about crabs? You won’t be after you visit crab hell!’

The earth rejoices.
A one-off 20-minute show caller Two Words in which I use up all the words I'd like to put in a script but can't find a reason to. Performed at BERG Collective's Festival of New Writing. You can have a look at the script here.
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